When his hands touched mine so briefly it was electrifying.
Is it possible for only one side of two people sharing the same moment to feel this way?
Why aren’t experiences and perception universal? Why are they coloured by the past and our desires?
Filed under: feelings
When I first started using WordPress, I never thought I’d blog so often, but 1234 posts and half a decade later, here I am. WordPress has helped me feel a bit more connected to the world, so thank you fellow bloggers for your personal blogs. I hope it’ll never be about “follow for follow” or “like for like” like some other social media but genuine appreciation for each other’s writing, expressions, and life.
Filed under: random, milestones
A part of me is relieved. I’ve been having a bit of anxiety about having to immerse myself into a French environment again. Would they judge me for my intermediate ability? Would the people I used to know still be people that I’d want to be friends with two years later or vice versa? People change. Would the loneliness of the first time hit me again?
Over the last year I’ve really realized how much social justice means to me and also how political correctness has a strange sort of value in my life. With me probably staying here in my comfort zone, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t want to be gone if something were to happen. It’s this strange balance of me wanting adventure but knowing I’m not really cut out for the type of work that I know will be accompanied by dread and apprehension.
There was the whole who would I sit with for lunch? Who would be my work friends? And for the gossip, have I been the subject of any? It’s just so much of the social aspect that really bothers me. I tell everyone how excited I am about the possibility, which now looks very slim, but I was kind of scared. I’m not able to sit through another summer holding my tongue to not offend anyone just so I’d have someone to sit with. It was hard enough and aggravating enough the first time. These aren’t things I talk about. I’d like to look back with only fond memories, not of aggressively trying to find comfort where it didn’t exist.
But that was how it was and I’d felt such weak ties to my friends back home. I didn’t know how much a simple How are you doing? one-liner could affect me. Because it’s tough when you feel alone and when you can’t understand why people are acting in ways that you’d think are unacceptable. I remember thinking that it was just a few more months to pull through. I enjoyed moments of it immensely and as an experience my whole life was enriched, but there are some parts I’d rather dub as growing pains and never go through again.
So … I guess what I’m trying to say is that whether or not this works out, I’m okay with staying put and figuring out a future here too.
Stream of consciousness.
Filed under: feelings, life, personal
When you tell me you never have any secondary motives
beyond platonic hangouts
are you trying to get my defenses down?
When you talk to me past your bedtime
delving into the hours that will reduce your work productivity
is it because we’re friends?
When you suggest all these activities that I’ve said I wanted to do
is it because you like adventure with company?
Am I thinking too much?
I’m confusing between what I want and what’s happening.
Filed under: feelings, life, people
But we weren’t the only ones there. I went in and saw a large group and thought Wow, I must’ve misread everything; I feel so silly. I considered leaving because if it was a group thing, then no one would notice my absence anyway. But I told myself that I was a big girl and sauntered over. Lo and behold, next to the guy that invited me out was a guy that asked me out many years ago that I’d rejected. How ironic was it that I’d end up sitting next to him in the same place I refused to go to all those years ago? I wonder if he remembers. So as the guy that I’d intended to meet up with starts introducing us, I interject with, I have him on Facebook. It’s less formal than we’re friends and gave space for him not remembering me. Isn’t it neat how one title can capture that essence of a non-friendship? As it turns out not everyone in the large group was part of them. I buckled down and for the most part did not talk. It was so strange to go somewhere with expectations and then being completely thrown off. Also, he’s always on his phone. Those replies that took a day? They weren’t crafted cleverly or anything. Buddy is fishing.
Filed under: life, people, personal
We finally talked about the potential
Of it ever happening
Filed under: feelings
I thought about it a bit. Maybe you only know how to interact with women by flirting with them.
But you acted very “normally” before you clarified my status. So you’re definitely capable of not flirting.
But I like friendships with a playful nature. Those are my favourite.
Filed under: feelings, friendships
February 28, 2015 • 11:59 pm
Sometimes the best thing to do is pick up a book and get lost in it.
If the book isn’t good, put it down. Life’s too short to finish books for the sake of reading and not for pleasure.
Except textbooks. Get those readings done.
Filed under: books, feelings
February 28, 2015 • 12:39 am
small of my back
back of my knees
Filed under: life