ta reese a: tease era

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this is how I feel

I recently saw this on Instagram

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”
Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran

and it sums up how I feel.

I’m different when I’m here. It surprised me the first time I heard the word “outgoing” as the first word someone used to describe me. Your high school friends expect some things of you, how you act, your character that I guess they assume some kind of permanence to. Your family has a certain pressure on you to act a certain way. And me? When I go away to grow up

Isn’t it funny that that’s how I think of these trips out here? Trips to grow up? Not to learn to grow up, but to really grow up in these self-discovery years, is really what I’m doing. Anyway

I do everything I’ve ever wanted. I wanted to know how I’d be around strangers, how people would react to the me that doesn’t just laugh but makes quips and dirty jokes, or go out with people they wouldn’t see me with, or sing in crowds and dancing in a strange comfort zone. I feel so freed of expectations. Does that make sense?

And sometimes I bring a bit of that new me back when I return

Filed under: feelings, life, , ,

braid or bun

As an athlete, those are the two choices for practical reasons. What are alternatives to keeping hair out of your face and off your neck?

Filed under: beauty,

First day of school

For the first time since I turned 3, I don’t have a first day of school to look forward to. Sitting here, I remember my first day of high school, sitting in that auditorium in those wooden chairs and looking around to see who I’d be surrounded by for the next five years. Those were five years. That felt like forever. We wanted it to be over and then we didn’t. How is it that over ten years has passed since that first day? Where has time gone?

How amazing is it that some of us still have each other?

Filed under: feelings, friendships, life, , ,

suddenly you became very irritating to me

Filed under: feelings

four three two one

It’s been four months, a whole season that has passed, and I don’t understand why my mind keeps circling back to the same what ifs and whys and if I did something wrong. I deleted all the messages so I wouldn’t be able to reread them. Was it sabotaging my mind with ideas that weren’t true or was it looking out for me and giving me gentle warnings? What was it? What would’ve happened if I hadn’t listened – no, if I hadn’t heard any of it? Maybe I wouldn’t have gone in thinking it was done under pretense.

But I think at the end of the day I was right. I still have that gut feeling and I hope it stays there forever.

Funny how you can say nothing and everything, isn’t it?

Filed under: feelings, life

peace and serenity

I don’t understand how suddenly overpriced malas, sometimes tackily assembled, became such an “it” thing. When did it go from religious/spiritual to corporate and profit margins?

Filed under: beauty, random,

you don’t get it

You know not to say it in front of me but you don’t actually get it, why it’s not okay to verbalize those thoughts. You’re young and with many years of education ahead of you. I trust in your array of professors to teach you because if I tell you, like I have, you write it off as too sensitive.

Filed under: problems,

fake

At first you were attractive

then I got to know you a bit

and the more I spoke with you, the more the admiration and respect fell

Filed under: feelings, life, people

online interrogation

Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone online and suddenly he’ll turn the conversation to a direct, “So how many guys have you been with?” as if he’s entitled to an answer. I feel it’s disrespectful to even ask.

Or they’ll ask for a phone number or Facebook identity after a “How are you” – as if that investment of a few seconds of typed or copy and pasted pickup line entitles them to personal information. No. And it’s not because I’m too cautious, conservative, etc. Online safety is important (even if I do overshare on this blog).

Listen, I can gather nothing about your personality, your objectives, anything, from those few lines of exchange. To believe that anyone would give up something that connects his/her personal life to the online, filtered life after what’s really equal to or less than the interaction I have with the cashier, I think they’re too hopeful. Happily, 100% of them tell me that’s never really worked on anyone.

Yet they try the same failed tactic.

The part that bothers me especially is how I get the impression that they feel their attention is enough for an exchange of numbers and usernames. Should I feel flattered that you took two seconds to type hello? That you think I should be falling all over you? Please. You’d give so much more respect to person you were trying to befriend.

Anyway, that’s been on my mind. I don’t feel as much of the compulsion to understand and experiment with dating sites and apps. I think I’ve become too jaded.

Filed under: life, people, , ,

sometimes

I think I think about you,

it, this, that

too much.

The connections between my synapses are too strong,

too familiar.

Filed under: feelings, life, people, random

August 2015
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