ta reese a: tease era


articles telling men to be chivalrous, can you not?

It took me a bit to gather how I felt about this article and the comments that follow: http://elitedaily.com/dating/chivalry-dead-9-everyday-gestures-make-girls-melt/863633/.

Why do we write these articles, like these articles, share these ideas that push the idea that men need to do these things or that men who behave like this deserve something? In the comments, you’ll find comments from people who claim they do these things but don’t have luck in the romance department, but not to argue to stop with this “chivalry” but to hint at some “where’s my piece of the pie.” For some their sense of pride and identity is wrapped up in it. For some their upbringing and parents are tied in.

This is going to be a rant. If you don’t understand why promoting “chivalrous acts” and creating a mental image of a “perfect man” with these ideas contributes to gender inequality, then perhaps you need a dose of Everyday Feminism.

Okay, here goes: Opening doors. Everyone should open doors for each other if they’re in front of a door and someone’s immediately behind. It’s called manners. For someone to get out of the way to open a door for you, you probably require it because of accessibility issues to the building/vehicle. For any other reason…why? Don’t do nice things only for women. Do nice things for everyone.

I don’t even know what to say about saving the last piece of food. For me, the last piece is has typically been what no one wants. Spending time with your fam isn’t chivalry. Your friends would do the same, so this is cool.

“Suffering” through a “girly” movie. Wow. As if men cannot enjoy these on their own. As if we should expect someone to waste hours of their lives doing things they don’t enjoy. The fact that the writer of the article expects women to somehow appreciate this or find it romantic that someone would do something like this? I’m confused. It’s one thing about trying new things together but to, omg, suffer, like go out and volunteer and be productive in that hour instead. Don’t waste that time of your life.

Sending flowers. This is cute. I think people giving things to each other without occasion is cute. At the same time, I think by putting it out there, it sets expectations that men should spend money on temporary things (c’mon, flowers die unless you plant a garden) randomly on top of the already societal expectations that they splurge on holidays/couple days. That’s unfortunate for the men in question if they’re tight on cash.

This walking on the outside of the sidewalk. I had someone do this to me once and I was so offended. The sidewalk was huge and the street was empty. It seemed like an empty gesture to win brownie points and done so he could be seen as “chivalrous” or “caring.” When you’re in public, things can get you from all angles. Don’t play the “I’m trying to protect you” card. Unless you do this with all your friends regardless of gender and have a real fear of them dying from cars getting onto the curb, that’s pretty sexist. Implying that a woman is weaker, etc.

Kissing your forehead. I don’t understand why this is on the list. This reinforces the idea that men “should” be taller than their women counterparts though. I mean it’s hard to reach a forehead otherwise. Accept couples of all pairings regardless of their sizes.

Filling the gas tank. Why do you match vehicles to men and keep the stereotypes going? “…indicative of a man who was raised right…” Wow. That’s a loaded line. That’s indicative of a man that was raised to believe that in order to be considered well-mannered, he has to do everyday chores for other people when the other people are fine doing it themselves. Can’t you see how this looks down on a woman’s abilities and puts unnecessary pressure on men to do these things?

Honestly if a guy was making me walk on the inside of the sidewalk and wouldn’t let me fill my own gas tank, I’d think, “Wow, he’s getting really controlling,” and GTFO. Some women (since the original article was from a heteronormative standpoint), as indicated by the comments, really like those from their partners, but before considering to do any of these behaviours or adding them to your routine in charming people, get to know the women, if she’s more liberal minded, if she’s taken gender studies courses, if she’s taken sociology courses, if she’s exposed to modern thinking, etc. Don’t blindly go into a date and expect a positive, welcoming response from a woman just because you’re told by an Elite Daily article that that’s what women want.

And last thing to address. If you’re both in cold weather, respect yourself a little and keep your jacket on. Unless you prevented her from wearing a jacket or she can’t afford one, she probably had as much access as you to a weather report or view out a window. I mean, be nice if she’s freezing, but let people learn to take care of themselves and don’t create this awful cycle of women supposed to expect men to carry extra layers on their behalf and then men, also cold, feeling pressured to give up warm layers for someone less prepared for the weather. We’re fully capable and we dress knowing the consequences, thank you very much. If you’re going to give up a layer, then do it because the person is cold, not because she’s a woman.

/rant over

I don’t fully understand feminism and I’m constantly learning, but I do know that every time an article like this pops up on my newsfeed, I have this angry feeling of “why are they spreading this to men and telling them what to do?” Being a decent human and respecting and being kind to everyone isn’t difficult. Assigning treatments to people specific to their gender and your intentions with them, that bothers me a lot.

Also, why make women currently in relationships think they’re not “good enough” relationships if these lists aren’t satisfied? Why can’t we change the expectations to things like “will stand up for social injustices” and “will support your successes” and “will listen and respond”? This movement of “chivalry is dying but we’re the rare few who will continue in the face of feminists” is unfortunate. Please don’t mansplain. Please don’t pit women against women (“I’m not like other women. I appreciate what you do. That’s why I’m not a feminist.”). We don’t need more of that in the world. Can we look at the bigger picture and instead of putting some new found appreciation for antiquated behaviours that serve little beyond validating guys that they are indeed “gentlemen” and validating women that they have a guy that thinks they’re “good enough” to do all these for, put the focus on what really matters in a relationship.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think you’re a bad person if you open doors and buy gifts. I open doors for people. The difference is that I don’t do it because my parents taught me to always open doors for girls. I do it because it’s human decency and I do it for every gender. I buy gifts without occasion too, but I don’t do it because I think it’s expected of me or because I think it’ll improve my chance of something. I do it only when I have the resources and feel like it. Do you get my point? It’s the motivation behind the action that matters.

Last thing: the title is 9 Chivalrous Habits of A True Gentleman That Make Women Melt. Women, respect yourselves and don’t be surprised/melt when someone treats you decently and question if those acts are out of decency, out of social expectations, or other motives. I give you this wonderful post from Feminist_Tinder. https://instagram.com/p/8HAHOhupqN/

Filed under: feelings, life, rant, , , , , ,

online dating ventures

Or more like online exploration.

So goes my exploration into a third dating app/site. It wasn’t until I encountered Bumble that I realized how different demographics and app users affect the success of your search for company. I went into this again with a new approach. The personality tests of OKCupid were answered humanly and honestly. The pictures were “real” though not revealing any identity or face. Within the day I was getting messages from people who were not reading my profile. There were older men that were down to meet up and talk when my profile specified 20s only. I responded politely but then I learned that I shouldn’t have replied even with a “fine thank you.” The messages would keep coming around the clock despite my lack of response (aka down to 0 replies) and obviously visible online status.

Then I began talking to this extremely young guy who needed a friend. I feel like I got myself trapped. I shouldn’t care that he’s lonely and has very few friends or that he’s been on the site for a dinosaur’s age in terms of online dating with no success. I offered him other suggestions to meeting people since OKC was clearly not a successful target demographic for him. How he persevered for so long is beyond me. Anyway, I ended up telling him he could chat with me if he really wanted to but I wasn’t interested in anything beyond chatting and helping him practicing conversing with people. Our match percentages aren’t high. As a friend, well, under typical circumstances, I wouldn’t offer him even acquaintanceship; I’d direct him to resources and then call it quits.

This is the reason why I end up leaving every site and app. Someone gets clingy, too desperate and I, twisted as it is, feel as if it’s better for me to delete the account than have them see that I’m ignoring them, giving another blow to their ego. I owe them nothing. I need to learn to not feel guilt for wanting to ignore them. Cut them off and carry on.

Okay, then there are people that will chat and give me their name and numbers when there is no connection. Isn’t your personal information worth something? If you’re looking for meaningless small talk, the site can clearly provide it. Don’t leak it into your real life communication tools, too. Or rather, don’t let it leak into mine.

There are people wanting to meet. We haven’t even exchanged names. You know nothing about me. The big question I have is what kind of person are you and aren’t you afraid?

At this point in my life, the current sample on these dating sites are not what I’m looking for. I’ve learned a lot about myself…like what I don’t like and what shallow criteria I have for some things. Singledom will keep me a lot happier than this venture into dating again. Bye.

Filed under: feelings, life, , ,

Give me a conversation I’ve never had before

We rehash a lot of the same things on first meetings, the same stories, the same dreams, the same prompts… I guess we’re following social cues and norms, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone gave you a conversation, a fun one, one that you’ve never had before?

Filed under: life

at first

At first I thought, how can anyone be so cold and cut off contact out of nowhere? I made up a million excuses like maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the way. Maybe there was a miscommunication.

Then I realized that I’ve done it before. Sometimes I’ll take time to myself and decide I need to stop altogether talking to people. It’s never personal.

Still, it was so out of nowhere.

Filed under: life, ,


I can’t deal with you.
You blame me for being a bad role model but you are worse. How messed up is it that the only constant in my life is your ridicule? 👏
It makes me feel like I’m worth less as a human.

I wish I knew what it was like to have the warmth of someone initiating good morning and how’s your day. Those are basic to many families. They indicate that they care, you know?

Pleasantries, small talk – some hate it.
At least it shows you’re worth that bit of time.

Filed under: feelings

let it go

I think most people want to forget about it, but I almost enjoy it. I almost want to savour every burn and emotion. It’s like I want to dissect it and dwell on it because the process gives my brain some pleasure. Familiarity makes me feel good but I know this is unhealthy for me. I should get more efficient at planning the future, not rethinking the past. Why can’t I be like others and rewatch a movie or reread a good book instead of replaying my life?

I get too affected. But too often I sit here wishing I’d feel something, anything. I’m ambivalent to whether I like this or not.


Filed under: feelings, life,

perhaps I’m more a tumblr kind of girl

you know, the kind that reads, relates, and reblogs

Lately I’ve been looking for… I meant to be cliché and say “love in all the wrong places,” but really I mean happiness. Isn’t it funny how you need to be happy to be in love but you don’t need love to be happy? At least none of the romantic kind.

I need more relatable reads

(inspired by http://blossomfully.tumblr.com/post/129724634610/there-is-skill-he-admitted-in-being-able-to)

Filed under: feelings, , ,

coffee rings and tea stains

pressed flowers between agenda covers

“I’ll clean it later.”

good intentions, no follow through

an “I don’t mind it. Really.”

Status quo is okay

s’okay, s’okay, s’okay

soaking stains

(inspired by http://aesthetic-journal.tumblr.com/ my new fave)

Filed under: life, poem

that was a silly blip.

You don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t give you the benefit of the doubt anyway. You wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t respect you enough to ask you for clarification. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who makes you wonder and makes you feel inadequate.

Still, what a waste of time. I wish I’d met up with everyone instead.

Then I thought I’ve been a jerk to some people too, but I wouldn’t consider it ghosting because I pretty much led the conversations into boring one word and emoji responses before the conversations became non-communication. For all the other times, I simply stopped using the app so instead of thinking I’d stopped talking just to them, they’d believe it was in general, which I still believe hurts less.

https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/7369149/491143 this post speaks to me so much.

Filed under: people, ,

Déjà vu

Stop emotionally investing in people who don’t respect you.

Filed under: life

October 2015
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