ta reese a: tease era

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love, Rosie

I know I started reading another book and put Love, Rosie on a to-read list but oh my gosh, I read some reviews and needed it ASAP. I loved the book because I knew the ending had to be the one I wanted. It was one of those fated-to-be, everyone-knows-but-them kind of love. If this happened in real life though, I would be so frustrated. I guess the children and experiences that came along with it all were worth it though.

But seriously if I were in that situation, I’d be so, so sad to have missed out on all those years that could’ve been more. Although Rosie and Alex were always super close so I guess it was okay.

I don’t know how to feel right now.

Filed under: books

Vulnerability

What does it mean to be vulnerable? I’ve noticed lately that I limit interaction with people that have the potential to hurt me. You’d think that’d be anyone, but no, I narrow it down to people I could care about or could have an unbalanced care for. You know, the kind where I daydream and obsess about more than simple chatter. You know, having me be way more invested

. That kind of thing.

Some people preach second chances. I’m still working on giving first chances. It’s hard to trust people in any domain of your life.

Filed under: feelings, issues, life,

Book to add to my list

My list of “to read” books is getting ridiculously long and now I’ve just added The Girl that was Saturday Night. I loved Lullabies for Little Criminals by the same author. I don’t even remember the character names or the specifics of the plot, but I remember feeling emotionally invested, being sad that bad things happen in the world, for unfortunate situations, and being so, so relieved that it was just a book. if you’ve been lacking feeling lately, read this one.

When I read I usually jot down my favourite quotes. I have journals with them scattered in places – just words that are relatable, that can explain the world better than I ever could. The Savvy Reader does the same and has done it for The Girl that was Saturday Night! Soul sisters! I am convinced this will be my next read…if another book doesn’t catch my eye first.

Currently I’m reading Red Rising. Someone told me that I’d like it if I liked The Hunger Games. I was a bit hesitant to pick it up because I didn’t know how ready I was to be angry again at a fictional government. Sometimes I’m in the mood to read lovey-dovey feelgood books, sometimes books that make me indignant, and sometimes heartbreakers, and that day, I was kind of feeling a relaxed, happy read. I’d scoured the bookstore shelves and was debating between this one and Love, Rosie. I know, that’s a huge gap. I figured I’d read Red Rising since it’s been recommended to me so many times. So far, so good. If someone calls it his/her favourite book, there’s gotta be value in it!

Filed under: books, feelings

It’s good to see you again

Back when I first starting working in the store, this woman and her young son, about 7 years old, visited daily. She would read to him and he would read to her. This was before the section became a toy-based central. This was back when the focus was primarily books. And indeed, this mother-son duo focused their nights on books. I watched him progress. I watched as he eventually acknowledged me. Then one day they stopped coming. There was no warning. I wondered why. On the day before they disappeared, I’d asked her son if I could borrow the toy he was sitting on so that another child could try it. I was afraid that maybe they thought it was a form of racism.

Today I walked past a woman. She looked so familiar. I could’ve kept walking. Instead as we crossed paths, I saw her too jolt back in recognition. Now or never. “Excuse me, but did you use to come here really often?” She said yes and that she recognized me too.

The words I never said,

Your son must be a teenager now. Did you move out of province? Why did you stop coming? Is he still a reader? What do you spend your evenings doing now? Did you get a job? Is he healthy? 

Because I wondered so much about them over these years. I don’t think I’d recognize a grown-up version of him, but I hope he’s still thriving and that nothing in my worst-case scenario mind happened.

Filed under: feelings, life, people, ,

Something’s different about her but I can’t pinpoint it

With age, you gain poise and confidence.

Filed under: life,

In Santa we trust

The little boy yesterday refused to tell his mother what he wanted for Christmas. “Santa will get it for me. I told him already.” Apparently he’d written an extensive list to Santa and trusted him to bring him all the presents so he didn’t want to tell his mom what he wanted because she didn’t have to “worry about that.”

Good intentions backfiring.

Filed under: life, random, ,

Greatest fear

I would hate to be the person that does or says inappropriate things that you don’t call out because you think I’m incapable of change or too close-minded to accept critique.

If I do ignorant things, it’s because I’m unaware of its inappropriateness, I don’t understand why I shouldn’t, and I don’t understand the magnitude of the effects.

So if you care about me, hold me.
Hold me back from doing these inconsiderate things. Save me from future embarrassment and from ruining future opportunities.

Filed under: from my understanding, in my opinion, issues, life, problems,

Presents and grandparents

The thing is that people don’t return presents their grandmas and grandpas give them. There’s a sense of you cannot attached to it.

Filed under: in my opinion, life

crushes

You asked and I never said. I mean, I did say at some point at a sleepover a long time ago, but you forgot it happened. I’d given you a roll call of people you knew, brief baby crushes. I’ll tell you what I never said.

There was a guy. He was a few years older, decent looks and with a charm that could turn on and off – although I didn’t realize how quick the “off” could appear till later on. There was a few years of my life when his mere presence made me blush. He acted so interested in my life, offered to drive me when we went places, and talked to me as if he was confiding in me. One day someone brought up this other girl that apparently he’d been talking to a lot

and then afterwards things changed. He said a lot. He did a lot. “…doth protest too much.” A part of me felt kind of betrayed. I felt so led on. I think that’s why I never mentioned it to anyone. It felt like a bunch of hurt to rehash.

When I see him now, he’s recluse and different. That’s what I’d call the “off.”

When I saw him most recently I realized what it really was: manipulation. Emotional manipulation.

Filed under: feelings, people,

opening up

I have trouble talking about my own emotions but I’m okay with typing everything anonymously. It’s like I feel shame for everything I feel and not confident that I’m feeling what I’m feeling. Does that even make sense? How can anyone know me better than me? Or at the very least how can my emotions be better felt by someone else other than me, the person who’s experiencing them? I know I need to learn to open myself up to people but it is so, so hard. I try and then I close up and distance myself. I think I’m too used to information being used against me. I think I don’t trust people enough. I mean, after a childhood like that, it’s kind of tough.

I wonder if she wonders how I turned out; I wonder if she wonders about the impact of her bullying; I wonder if she regrets it. I wonder if I’ll ever not have trust issues. Childhood is an impressionable time. Teenage years are a great time for superficial friendships. Adulthood is a good time to strengthen anything. I don’t know. It never hit me until a friend said it that I don’t confide in anyone about anything. It’s weird. It’s like I think that by not saying anything I can undo what I feel or pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s an issue, you know? When he told me he felt sorry for me, I decided I had to try harder to be okay with saying the words I want to say but feel like I can’t. It’s silly, I know. It’s silly to pretend I have no feelings when come on, I’m human too.

I don’t know what I expected, that I’d just give this link to people I wanted to say things to and expect them to read it so they’d have an understanding and I wouldn’t have to say embarrassing things in real life?

You know, maybe that’s why I’ve never felt super close to anyone. I don’t know how to share information and people never ask. This is a human skill that I’m working on. I’m in introvert and lately I’ve been crawling inward again. Being in customer service is helping me keep the shell open. Thank goodness for that. I can talk to people out of responsibility but if it were up to me I’d be hiding out by myself.

So there’s this one friend that I’ve been talking to everyday for the past few months. Every time I stop replying, he reopens the conversation with new questions or information. It’s nice. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to one person so consistently. But even now, I feel like part of me is grateful for his patience and presence and another part is confused as to how to stay patient and put in effort. Reciprocating that is hard. Part of me doesn’t know how to reconcile that we’ve talked so much more cumulatively than I’ve talked to with many other people that I’ve known for so much longer. I know, I know, quality not quantity.

I’ve always seen myself as someone who’s more comfortable talking to women than men but after having lived in a male-dominant environment for a year, it’s become the reverse. The way I see myself is no longer who I am. Isn’t that funny? I think I don’t feel as much like an outsider. When I was younger, I chose solitude over being around people that I felt like an outsider around. I chose being a reader, being a spectator, being a volunteer. You know, regardless of what I say, I really do think it was those elementary school years that shaped me, messed with me, whatever. Because after all that solitude, the one person that I finally decided I could be friends with turned into a bully. It’s like my younger self never got over that.

I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying.

Filed under: feelings, life, problems, ,

December 2014
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